Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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