I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize