If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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