I faked an abortion last night.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
