I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
