You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
