We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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