can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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