I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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