you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
