it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I believe in your delicious
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
