Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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