just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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