i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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