Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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