woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
