i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
