my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
