ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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