She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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