Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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