This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
