If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
