Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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