i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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