sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I didn't notice because vodka
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
