he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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