It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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