Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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