I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
