How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
