I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
