We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
