He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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