At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think weed is turning my hair brown
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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