i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
