The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
its not stalking. its research.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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