Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
