Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
