I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
