I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
