the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
