First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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