i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
