I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
