Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
