if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
