from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
