I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
