Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
