So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
