So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
