I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
